I think I did a really stupid thing today though I was somewhat justified to do so. For those who don't know which probably is everyone reading this.. I am deathly afraid of things that involve death/sickness... I refuse to go into hospitals, I avoid cemeteries like they were the plague and I refuse to go to funerals.

This week 3 distant relatives of ours passed on and my mother has been going as a representative of our side of the family to the funeral ceremonies.

1- as an elder
2- because she knows how much I hate/fear going to them, so she apologizes for my absence [I am technically obligated to go being that I am the oldest one amongst the siblings now]

Ever since my grandfather's passing many years ago... I refuse to take part in ceremonies for many reasons.. one of which many of you would say I'm crazy for believing.

Today my mother was to go to the funeral of my co-worker [who also happens to be my distant cousin]'s aunt's funeral who had passed on due to colon cancer that was too advanced for treatment. The plan was for David, my 4th brother to take her to the funeral... but Mr. sunshine stayed out all night and decided to sleep in.

So of course my mother told me to take her even though she knew that I can't. She kept urging me saying that all I had to do was sit and wait in the car and that the funeral ceremony would be done within the hour. Already having anxiety build up just with the thought of going.. I got up and said I'll go wake up David. Her face turns sour and pretty much just said "F-it" and stormed into her room cursing and yelling of course all directed towards me.

I do feel bad my mother couldn't go but she has to understand that I would have become a basket case or have a panic attack if I had gone. But I also know .. that the reason why she wanted me to go was because she wanted me to be there for her and show to the family that we are still strong even without him taking care of us and probably to have me try to overcome my fears.

...

I just couldn't do it.. now my sister is mad because when my mommy is angry she takes it out on everyone and I get to have a month of my mother not talking to me and her making me feel like the worst person in the world, which I've been feelign that way ever since may..


I guess I really am then..